I shouldn't have given up my job. But I dropped my prospect. Stupid.
I didn't expect to receiving any reply, but reply came. Surprise.
I shouldn't have written any email, but I sent out two in two days. Anxious.
I should live on. But I like to recall memories. Stubborn.
I shouldn't have stayed with uncertain environment. I keep on hiding from the reality. Gutless.
I know my family loves me. But I leave them. Heartless.
My friends love me. But I don't listen to them. Disobedient.
I do think I behave, but I get no good results. Unfair.
I shouldn't request for too much, but I keep on hoping to catch a chance. Greedy.
Many people pop up, whom I don't want to see they act on my stage. Frustrated.
They are not the one I want, but I could never get the one I want. Desperate.
I always think that I'm the only one who suffers, but who knows what the others feel? Did I harm anyone? The one whom I want to communicate the most said that I rarely communicate. Someone whom I want to see the most always let chances flow away.
People ask me to do what they want, then I do what they want. I can be easily manipulated.
Yes I'm passive to communicate. I feel so cheap. Yes I'm forceful to create chances. I don't want to be bent by so called fate.
Too many things are out of my control. Maybe it's my excuse of being too lazy. I just want to be normal. Have a normal career, normal life and create no trouble. But as what I can see, I'm troubling myself and make people worry.
Messy mind. Messy.
Christmas 2001
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